Curruption of Journalism in the daily stew.

Betting against your team proves an interesting mess.

This past Monday or rather the days before I got involved with
a website.
Apparently according to my friends who turned me on to it; this site gives you the sum
of ten cents (for some promotional reason I was given twenty five cents)
and you are allowed to take it and bet it on any game, football, basketball,
whatever your fancy. (www.centsports.com)

Unfortunately no politics involved.

But you can bet the spread,
or parlay on multiple games or whatever on sports if it suits you.
So, now you bet, and win, and loose, and then eventually if your winnings amount past
twenty dollars you are able to cash out what you "earned".
Reasons I imagine it being easy money is the fact that
you view ads throughout the site as you bet and it helps you increase your odds or rather
the percentage of each bet's outcome.

Right there is a bit of a premise, check the link up above if your curiosity remains.

Now onto the more recent present as Sunday rolled about I bet on The Giants against
The Eagles. I bet The Giants and didn't take the spread which seemed and remained wise.
Fair play.

Now come Monday I was faced at a separate moral dilemma.

To bet against the team you care about. Now My football team is the 49ers.
A team that has not proving its worth in quite a bit. However my earliest football
memories for whatever reason have stuck and remain dedicated to San Francisco.

So Monday 49ers against the Arizona Cardinals.
Now my team is a loosing one, I accept that and most games this season
I expect that, especially against a team like the Cardinals that they will
inevitably loose.

Really I expect to bet against them, while I may root for them all the same,
I would not bet on them to win. That alone can make betting difficult process
for some, not most.

With Cents at a time it really doesn't matter. However betting the spread,
sometimes is a task more difficult.

Ok so still it remains cents, but you never really want to turn your back on
a team that you have faith invested in.

Now football isn't all I watch for sports
but something that over the past couple years has drawn me to it more.

Off topic God Damnit.

Now I did not bet the spread. I figure it allows a solid watch of the game,
interest invested in either the team succeeding and beating the odds, or
making some change in the process.

Win, Win eh?

The system had something a bit different in mind. For whatever reason
right before the game started a friend of mine was surprised I did not bet
the Niner's ten points behind the Cardinals, he pushed and I went to check on
my bet and considered following the spread regardless. I wouldn't,
but I considered it.

When I arrived at the site it had said I voted the spread, now at this point I was
not completely sober, but when I made the bet I certainly was and I had
another colleague to back me up that I had only voted on Arizona to win.

Still the site managed me betting the spread, I accepted my fate and watched the game.


It was a damn good one. The kick off return alone putting San Fran ahead from the get go,
cost most by surprise. But in the end, play after play, and even at a close margin,
the Cardinals remained victorious. This game became too close a call and did not complete
the ten points needed on the spread.

Shit, ten cent betting but still; I reject voting against my team in any manner, and it's
always wonderfully maddening watching what seemed a sure thing become not so sure.

On this long Adderal induced tangent I am reminded of another bet I would certainly make.
One not able to be made on centsports.com or for that matter on any betting site.

General Motors.

Being a bit strung out on reality isn't always simple but it remains to be a laugh.
Ah so GM is certainly a good punchline.

For those unfamiliar, there has been a looming inevitability about GM facing going bankruptcy.

It has been apparently foreseen:

2005:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4525418.stm

Earlier 2008:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7486972.stm

And now more recently:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/13/business/economy/13bankruptcy.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

Basically they are putting all of there eggs in the Bailout Basket, makes sense?
Government will back up Big Business till the very end. It may be called Bailout but some people think
this process it is nonsense. Then again, if big business cannot survive what chance do I have? Hell I am
probably 5000$ in debt, where is my government?
Fuck the rest I deserve it.

A very proud GM is not ready to file chapter 11, they want the 12 billion or whatever absurd amount from the
government for now, and more in hope for help next year in a lesser but still large sum again from government.

This sort of idealism sounds wonderful. GM receiving its dues.

GM does not want to declare chapter 11 because as their studies prove 80% of the people
surveyed said they would not buy from a car company (who can argue with them) that
has filed for chapter 11. It's obvious that GM would not simply allow bankruptcy
considering the point of chapter 11 is to build back profits when America is clearly
not ready to profit anything let alone a 20,000 vehicle which drains money
as it continues to die on like a cancer patient.

Well like it or not I would put more than just pocket change on the eventual fall of another
conglomerate as we face these the economic troubled times we have well on started.
I do not want to sit here and continue to compare this economy to the twenties because
as much as history tends to repeat itself, if only for a minute, this is different.
These are different times, times we cannot fathom, coming to end due to our own
ignorance and negligence.

But that's just how I try calling the situation. This is betting, this is the chance, the
pull, and the built up possible failure. It's part of the adrenaline in sticking it
to the unknown. Here's to it.

As for mine,
Here I am in a fit of fuck it mood against time and the process, drinking late to finish the six
pack and continuously rambling on about nothing.
Still I feel ok, not hopeful completely, God no, but I feel at least understanding,
a managed feeling towards whatever is next.

It'll probably go wrong, as per usual, but friends for now,

Wait for the next fit.

In that vein find more here:
http://www.bad-fiction.blogspot.com/

AH, so it would seem that the time has finally found itself balancing out the money and feuds, the trying times we have seen.

Your new forty fourth president has been elected. There is nothing I can truly say that will not be said by the converging media coverage. All I have are glimpses of the past and hopefully and honestly faith in the future.

"The probability that we may fall in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just; it shall not deter me."

I will hold my vote to myself but be mindful that no matter who I voted for, the best person I hope has won. As crumbling idealistic as it may seem in this acceptance my shreds left of faith scatter through. I truly converse with God on very few things these days. More recently to see those I have lost and pray for rest and peace(day of the dead), however currently through all that I have gone through my relationship with God to one reliant hope. This hope is not for an overnight realization of my calling or finances to support my bastard habits, but for tonight especially, that the institution that has raised me, molded me, supported me, this land built on ideals made to escape from persecution, that this night; the stars, Buddha, God, Yahweh, Allah, the whole tap dancing choir invisible, smile on the little dignity this country has left and be merciful in helping us manage the past and planning the future.

My hat is off to the candidates in their speeches and trials, and I bid them a peaceful night with their families. Even Nader.

Anon tomorrow if this continues to manifest, we shall see how coverage continues, and a new resolution if it is, that I will try my best to carry on and cover it, if only for my personal sanity and acceptance of what's next.

Goodnight, Mahalo, Sleep Well.

It's all beginning.

Trying to manage the pressure induced by bad coverage and enough beer. Here is where the anxiety sets it. A close enough margin to still keep the maverick on top.
This is the race, one that matters. It can all go Nader from here.

Obama is absoutely pulling ahead, swing states are being trampled currently, but i will tell you what, Mccain is not dead. This thing can stil get bloody and by God I wouldn't b surprised.

Karl Rove!

The man is parading. If you’re loosing you suspend disbelief
This is the longest struggle.
Then that evil laugh

MY GOD forget anything before, let’s concentrate just can
For the love of god there is a hologram, in fact" very interesting hologram there"
Madness. The fact that people believe she is a real hologram and a post production joke is in need
Of a serious trip to the doctors.

So here we a re the celebrity of the past begins to weed its self ion. Here is Karl Rove. Here is the scare and then here is the savior
Of celebrity
A last dying breathe
For people lie Karl rove that will disappear come tomorrow.
Here we are the earliest polls already pushing McCain as being ahead.
Just like being at a baseball game, when you team lets up 3 runs in the first inning you start cursing them and doubting them
So absolutely the people in this room are feeling the fear completely. Nothing is more confronting your own conscience slapping you in the face just to come
To grips. Them's the breaks for most

I can’t handle this madness in my condition. Too many beers and harsh grass. Both have clouded everything. If john McCain wins who cares. Maybe it doesnt matter because no
Matter what our control has become less than anything.

How do people function on media off and terrors of the future?

Here we are scribbling back into it. Right.
I have made my way to my friend, confident, and fascist’s house. We are ready to bring on the late hours with absolute madness.
Let’s start on the exit.
Exit polls are an excuse, it doesn’t matter who they generally favor, you can blame 2000 on it but 2004, sorry folks that was a complete worthless grasp at straws. It was obvious and all over everything. We let it happen just as anything else we blindly accept.
More on the matter of the Candidates, Fox news asked this,
“What is the first thing that the new president should get to?
Well I figure reform would be the first word. Not anarchy, do not try and spin it, just simply reform it, change it, revolutionize it.
That or legalize hookers.
RAGE he could believe in, so far the dying attempt to you use negative spin in adds to hope that some how somewhere someone is just going to say, shit Osama is too radical too risky, but its all in good clean fun. Because no self respecting human being would follow that train of logic ad if they did its Guantanamo for the lot of em.

I feel at ease that I am missing something in these web cam reports on the stations. This is the wonderful way to prove true ignorance via 56k uploads. What sense is this? Since when do the American people have a say? If we wanted to actually bother with them we would give them more choices.

It’s as though the youth might actually not just register but vote this time around.
Good Lord Almighty we know that they are apathetic and really don’t matter but what if they actually decided to have a say? What if they were organized? Oh wait we all know how that turns out, and we always win. Because the youth grow more cynical just like us and join us.

But hell, let’s not beat the young voter thing into the ground though.
Let Fox news make sure to make a point of how we might be over covering the new voters but we will go on to over cover the bastards anyway.

“I have read a fiery Gospel writ in burnished rows of steel”

Can something that isn’t finish really be called presently historic? Eh?

Fell asleep for a solid 2 hours and lost all my bearings. Alcohol is only now making its way to me.

Its time to start lighting these bastards up, telling them to fuck off and see where these two years of campaign foolishness comes to a rough end.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/ballot/redskins.asp

Also, this just in Barack Obama is an admitted African American
! John McCain took a piss and shook more than twice.
Ralph Nader is still running for president!

I have to say I forgot to mention earlier
When I did cast my vote around 730 this morning the machine was not scanning, can I say how reassuring it is that I was at an American Legion in Bristol Connecticut and the god damn machine wasn’t working. It’s like watching my ballot go up in flames.

Also the democratic nominees just voted, I think it’s a little interesting to see Biden Bring in mommy dearest, this a bit too Affleck/Damon Oscar move.
Poor Mamma Biden, who looked like death. She was so bewildered looking being carted around on display. Her face had more confusion than Alaskans after Palin was endorsed as a running mate.

God it’s absolutely too easy with her, how can McCain expect to be taken seriously with some backwoods, semi autistic, step child for his running mate. Its like he just repackaged Bush. It is silly and impetuous madness.
The ol’ in your face fuck you.

America can ride this high all day but come Tomorrow the pragmatic hangover will set in for the country. Horrors of regret.

Also, it is a time like this where I want to call CNN’s “Poll problem Line” for a solid laugh.
1877-462-6608.

Operator: CNN voter help desk, what is your polling problem?
Caller: (Screams in the background) Oh my God, the machines are rioting! Too many votes for Nader, the machines were sick of getting fed such bullshit! They claimed communism as the national government, and started eating CNN’s “Kids on the trail!”
(Click)

I haven’t learned how to deal with the “Kids on the Trail” Some blond mongoloid has just reported “like, and, um, then, uh I asked Obama if he liked pizza and he said yes!”

These are the questions we should be asking!

McCain actually likes aborted fetus on his pizza, I KNEW IT.

Stay Tuned.

It's been a bit under a year to my last post.
With absolute good reason and resolve I abandoned it.
Now here we are, more than four years since my first post and it's time
to pick up where I left off, and carry all the cynicism I can into this
the brave new world.

This morning I went to the polls and did my democratic duty, or rather
played nice and decided to declare my support in some person or another who
I probably do not believe in. That being said, I do not feel shallow or as shameful
in my support for Kerry not four years past.

I will not mention my vote here, where would be the fun in that. But it wouldn’t matter
If I voted for myself and drew the Mona Lisa on the ballot as far as the presidency is concerned, Connecticut is Blue as the blood in its constituents; it is ready to except the forty fourth president as Mr. Obama, with open arms.
I would put all I have on that bet.

I will say that I am preparing myself on a twisted bender of US coverage,
CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, BBC World, FOXNEWS, NPR, ETC ETC ETC and local radio as well.
This with any substance abuse can make for a very real and very severe
Confrontation with the systems wild spin spewing beast.

Ah the beast. Already CNN has to have shown the same Goddamn clip
Of one woman walking out of a Virginia voting center, or the gymnasium floor
Of where O is going to be cashing in his vote to the point of nausea. I wonder if even Obama would consider voting for Nader.

On the subject of the Beast and O:
Wouldn’t it make sense that in this time Obama’s grandmother
So full of ideals and passion, conveniently died right at this big turning point?
Is it wrong to assume that her obsolesce was planned? Hats off to Obama’s campaign manager if that’s the case.

I for one am trying to hunt down a fitting betting website for the swing states at hand
Embrace capitalism and boost the economy in betting on inconsistency
And doublethink mind games. Halleluiah
http://www.sportingindex.com
so far seems right, all I need now is to decide whether I need alcohol to chase
the flood of network blasphemy or to take a gamble with my money on
votes of confidence in places like Ohio,

I feel just like a true American with these sorts of important choices.

Addressing; Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Virginia, and the rest, I figure while Obama fans
Have already given him the benefit of the doubt, The Mac attack still has steam,
This is where the election turns vile and dangerous, why there are Police outfitted
In riot gear about Ohio as we speak.

My predictions?
Well I will try and continue on this site when I can with it, but I will say I wouldn’t put my money on Ralph Nader.

Remember a vote for Nader is throwing away a vote to further mock he democratic institution.
Cheers.

At one point or another, each person questions things. Be it their faith, their path in life, reason, purpose, function, whatever the case… questions are inevitably to follow. As uncertainty develops questions are born.
That being said there is an enigma at the end of it all. A point that has become an unavoidable precipice in my life, the final question, the last laugh…
Being:

What does one do, when they do not have any questions left?

This is certainly an infinite paradox, but keep it in mind here.
Now I do not know many answers, far from it, I do not claim to know why the sun rises and sets, what remains as an absolute, is Pluto a planet….? I am in no place to judge, or even speculate, as humans we do well to try and fail.

But in my life, recently, actually much further and further back then I would like to admit… I have lost the patience, or the strength, something. It’s not apathy exactly, it really isn’t anything definable accept that if the nature of all things is purpose, even in hope, or desolation, then I feel in no way connected to all things.

I do not want to droll on and on about my life, its not a god damn sympathy card here, it’s not that I am miserable, I am simply at a moment where life is not going any further.

I am not angry with God, or disappointed, or happy, or tired, I am simply acknowledging that right now God has nothing to say of my life, and either have I… If I do not have questions, how can God acquire answers?

All this in accordance with lack of time or will, I have decided it is time to abandon the journal. I do not think I have the heart to completely shut it down…cancel my subscription; rather I leave it in abandonment as a monument to what was my life, or the spirit of was once my purpose.

I do not want anyone to think I am fishing for people to ask me why, to share in my consciousness, to submit they know what I am “Going Through”. I have said this and I intend to accept it, and so can you. I do not mean this to be a sign of alarm, or a cry for help, or something of a suicide, I am too smart for that, but if you find this at all forbidding or austere… Get a sense of humor.

Going out o have a cigar with God, see if anything comes to mind, I won’t let you know.


Mahalo
Peter W. Gacek

So this is what has come to folks, last couple in the city alive, got the record spinning got a room full of boxes, got some time from packing…

So in the styling of Nick Hornsby I fashioned the

TOP 5 THINGS TO MISS ABOUT BOSTON:

1. Friends(sub heading, and all those who were a part of me this past year):
To the folks here that I have grown closer to and have had the privilege, to play music, share coffee with, pray with, watch TV with, they made my time here a blessing and a joy, first round is reserved for them. It’d be hard to name and write something about each so I will name off a few to start…In order of no order:
Kevin: It has been a pleasure growing closer to you my brother, I am glad I was given the blessing to hang with you, also to your roomies and Wentworth posse, but you above all. What else to say man that would describe the power in our friendship; you have become one of the closest people to who I truly am, thank you.
Caleb: My stone, I will miss our conversations over Anna’s, I will miss you challenging me and my faith, one of the few people I know I love to disagree with me. May you find the absolute.
Scott: Hey buddy you and I we got past and future eh? Things of music and movies, of truth and laughs, I cherish it my friend, and what was and is.
Justin B: Hey man you left half way through my stay here but the time we shared was real, and when you move back up to Boston I will come visit.
Catherine: I am sorry we did not spend more time together but it was good times all the same and yeah same goes for Dylan and Mike.
Chris and Courtney: Chris you have been a guide on my journey through a world of hardships and lack of spiritual power thanks for reminding me of the one true God, and expanding my mind to expand my heart. And Courtney and all of the Shawmut springs, thank you for being friends and people of light when my world was dark.
Cody: Sorry it did not last longer Godspeed in California, I am glad you and I got to open up.
Rachel: Yes, I knew things became detached and it did not work but I do not regret it and at the end of the day you gave me some beautiful times, and brought me to my senses whether you meant to or not.
Tristan: Hey brother sorry we never got enough time with each other, but I am glad I got to hang out with you and that Regis was not the final goodbye.
Andrea: We hung out twice? But I enjoyed getting to know you a bit, even if it was the first time we really ever… well talked.
The REI folk’s staff and management not mentioned: You all made this place and going to work each day a thing of beauty. You have all taught me something about this world and myself, and that is everybody.
I am sorry this has to be the goodbye right now for anyone of you, and I wish we all had more time, apologies if I did not mention you, remind me and I will.



2: Places to buy new vinyl (Subheading pt. 2 it all gets a bit material from here on out):

Yeah its petty and so are the rest rounding out the top 5, but new vinyl is a pain to come buy and even though Newbury is pretty well inflated, its still nice to know at any moment I am a train ride away from a better night with a new record on the turn table.

3: Comic Stores (Subheading and not that Archie bs I am talking a decent genuine store with the independents the big names and everything in between):
This is important to any self respecting person who calls themselves a fan, and sure there are some in CT, but none like Boston, and none so close that I could probably hit all of em in a day like I can around here, alas... I will go out to my favorite once more before I go. Got to stock up.

4: A good Pint( subheading IV. Or rather places of dining and spirits):
Yeah I do not drink so often and when I do its not to light my breathe on fire, but grabbing quality beer in a pub with a list of 100, that’s something different, not the noisy joints that litter Hartford with overcrowded bars, and shite to settle on when it comes to a good pint, and obnoxious personalities littering the scene, sure this happens anywhere but the bars I go to at least always have a sox game on and a decent array of songs in a juke box. This beer thing also includes fine cuisine, from the bar to the shore,, quality Mexican, not taco bell, real Indian food, real Thai, the best pizza I have had, and of course the faces I frequent them with.

5: Music scene: (No subheading, unless you count this as one):
This probably would not be number 5 more on the level of 2 or 3 however, I just felt like leaving it on the end, you always remember the first and the last, the rest in the middle doesn’t stick, sides everything after the people I will miss are rather equal and again material. So music scene, is wonderful many small and or large venues with quality music, from the Indies to the all stars, and as well a place for a young musician to thrive in his own, but CT, its local bands, and Dave.... not enough ...its never enough.

Ok and not listed but if there was a 5 ½ or 6, the women, my god Boston you have some wild beautiful spirits floating, hat’s off there.

So in my tribute to High Fidelity there it is, for the cynics?
Worst things are:
Well really just the MBTA and not seeing my friends back home or family, the MBTA is a joke, scum that litters the city, a train that runs till 1230 shutting the city down, constant construction, high prices, mishaps, unfriendly staff, the list goes on…

That really concludes it, There’s more there’s always more but its 11 something and I have work to do.

Stand tall, no regrets, be humble, be strong, transform, change, love.

Right,
So it s been a bit of time, and as frustrated as things have gotten, It's taken a cigar and a rooftop to hammer this one out. Let's get you up to speed:

Lately all sorts of things have been plaguing my mind, I have maintained my composure for the most, but lets face it, we all are victim sometimes to circumstance... Lost it to the fear for a bit, the unknown and unwilling, but at a point I had to take a step back, arrange my priorities and come out swinging. a few things:

Let me make it clearer I Love the city, the blinking lights, the subway trains ... but right now part of me is torn, and well torn in a different direction. I don't believe its anyones real business but mine own, but there are something I need to be around for, something I have to do, its no regrettably so, but I really feel like I need to attend to it... so shying away from any other details there, this is my decision.

(Now i would give it to my confident, but its not much of anything important anyways and, he does not share the same outlet, hes a real journalist and not some pessimistic blogger, sorry kid) So for those who I have not yet told, I am sorry its not my intention to leave you in the dark, but it certainly is hard to catch everyone up to speed, but come this fall I am moving back into Connecticut, for at least the immediate future, this is temporarily I imagine however it is still a reality and a choice i am facing come September.

I have struggled with this decision all along, and really it is not what I would prefer for myself , I am for the most involved and happy with this place, however those who mean the world to me, need me and I cannot turn my back, not now.... it would be selfish to think otherwise...

Still it ain't easy,
I am returning however with a head lifted, i've got friends, family, i miss my family, and I wont have forever to enjoy them, i am not returning to all my same habitats, for example on my own i have grown stronger in my faith and do not see myself returning to church anytime soon, my discipline for my personal relationship with God had brought me this far, and even though I am returning, it is to a new job, and still with no immediate schooling in sight, i am taking my time... I am working at it.

so stop the presses, call your friends, sell your soul, i am back into the nutmeg state come August...

Here we go.

Folks,
Back to it eh? It had been sometime so I decided to pollute my late evening with some music and a fresh independence day rant, Yeah I will always come back, as long as there is a pulse there will always be politically driven frustrations , I’m managing my peace now, more hope, fulfilling things spiritually, but where is the fun in that? Sometimes I need this, I need this because it allows me to vent, pardon my feelings, speaking of pardons…

Lets get to it.

I tell you what it is hard, it is deathly hard, to maintain composure, to turn the other cheek etc., I try to live with enough definitive love and in my life as I can, try to challenge my self and accept that some people I will just not always like, however I try, I do to bring them closer to me, to understand them and from this I have never found one person on this earth that I have not liked, something humanist or something or other.

So far, with W. or any of his cabinet for the most part, I have only found two things.
Jack
and
Shit. (thanks Dan Nieman, its a good one)

Lets back up though, so its the fourth of July eh? Good luck.
Fireworks and hot dogs, it always brings to mind that scene in the sandlot where they all just stop with baseball (Americas pastime not Islams) to gaze endlessly at the bursts of light as the refrain from the late Ray Charles with America the Beautiful, god bless it if I don’t get a head full of ideals and dreams, but lets forward again.



This is a movie, this is idealism at its best, but it’s also us kidding ourselves, America the beautiful huh? Not so often, not to say I don’t see what that song was about, or what is beautiful about America, but lets face it... the 50's idealism of white picket fences and apple pie are long dead, and they never were... it was marketing, it was campy, it was commercial, it was bullshit.

Tonight, dodging chunks of ash and rocket on the Charles, I lost myself in the same gaze, but different thoughts ran through my head, prayers for something better, for one moment for us all to remember what was America, and realize what isn’t… God I hope somebody up there was listening.

So, light your fireworks, because if you don’t your a terrorist, eat your hot dogs, because if you don’t your just as bad as Osama, reignite the die hard imperialism that you have and go across the world spreading "freedom" because if you don't well hell I don’t want to say what you are.

Oh Lord, has it really come to this? What am I saying; we all knew we were fucked, four more years? 10 seconds is enough, and really I cant put it all on W(which I will anyways) I know I use him as my poster boy for my aggravation but I cannot help it, I suppose that is what any president is, a dartboard for the weary, a target for the angry, but I’m weary, and I've got a couple things on my mind.

“If you are not with us, you are with the terrorists” Followed by standing applause

It is twisted and backwards fuck when one man makes a statement that makes you want to re-think your outlook and consider these things. Single handily one phrase puts his regime to deepen into its Godhead of corruption and tyranny.

Tangential

The flag should burn, it no longer is anything what it meant, it is not a promise it is not a remembrance because obviously the events of the recent and the war of mad men surpasses and destroys the grace and glory we pretend to hold so dearly. What is there to hold on to? Promises? Words? Law? A flag? It is the blood fag, our solders pursuing freedom abroad are the new storm troopers, are democracy the new end.


One man makes a statement that makes you want to re-think your faith, your outlook at a God you put your faith into. Not one man's word could tarnish the life I maintain, but it is frustrating and seriously depressing to think this figure head could twist and image of the beautiful magnitude of mine. Please drag your own name, tarnish your blood fathers, do no sully mine, do not tear apart my country then separate me from my God, again no one will, nobody can, but the madness in it all remains repulsive at heart.

You are not messianic, and the where as the case normally proceeds as the sins of the father follow the son, yours have surpassed his and the only way in which you are the redemption of your father is he seems less of the screw up than you. You are far from tangential with your father, your sins outweigh most especially considering the fact you are so ignorant of your own horror.

Now I figure I am not a terrorist, at least far form the standard, I'm not fundamentalist about anything except maybe music, I don’t plan on blowing things up anytime soon, although anything is possible, well fuck I would never hurt anybody for mine or anyone else’s cause, at least not intentionally, but in this context, in Geor... well in this world and United States in general, I suppose I'm not with them, so I am against them. No plots, no weapons, but if we are going to put terrorism on the basis of what terror and tyranny really is (Not just what is Un-American in his eyes) then W needs to go face a mirror again, and not all of my anger is directed towards him, doctors attempting bombings in London, murders, rapists... I’m just sick of the lot of it, but the one person we put on a pedestal, well...

Hillary? Celebrity with mouth full just as bad as Bush, Rudy? Yeah just as bad, Edwards, hah right... Mccain? Christ what happened there...? So no votes there, no votes and little hope, but I will keep my head up and see what happens, eh?

Right,
ENjoy your freedom while it still exists.

Our world is unique moment to goddamned fleeting moment
The sun mounts the heavens and lays faster than we will ever account for or appreciate, years pass like days and days as seconds…

What we have to seize is what we take from the experiences we are privileged too, much of what we undoubtedly take for granted

This now, this instance gone by, a night ending, a virgin morning to rise and welcome, it is peerless and spent.

The subtle moments are fragile, do not take them for contracted, do not take the sun for granted, a downpour, a bad movie with a friend, a coffee alone, a good book, a sad song, death, life, the color orange, a moment in front of a computer screen typing your dying manifesto… an ant slowly crawling your arm in the midst of a cool spring day.

We spend too much time dying, too much time becoming our possessions and breathing television sitcoms and negative space. We challenge ourselves over the insignificant …

Why?

Love will never fall into the of no consequence however just as neither will hate, but the boulevard divides more than once as we need to know, not bother to ask, but know that our footsteps will tread where the road will meet over and over, we will realize our anxiety we will circumvent and be conquered but our redemption lies in the struggle we design, accept, and value.

Practice the land, run through the rain, celebrate the mud, kiss someone on the cheek today, bleed, heal, bleed some more.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is ever complete, the fig will only rot if you let it, make decisions and dare; if you do not let chance take hold the regret will only devour you profoundly.

Gape into the abyss, let it stare into you, believe, have faith… have faith… have faith… even if it is in the Bic pen in your pocket… have faith…. Be afraid of the dark…. Judge, doubt, smile, Be Terrified to loose, accepting that you will be another’s lose…. Have faith.

In our loneliness we are closer… In our pain we feel … In this world we are each moment to goddamned fleeting moment.

Is it too much that this has become a personal outlet as opposed to a political?

I have always remained fairly involved with my posts, updates etc. but the last couple and really any attempts I have made turn out be out me,…

I’ll make it no secret that I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder I suppose, things I have been going through are all together maddening for the most and not the least unnerving. Yet I have been nursing the cynism and usually that meands that here for the better I am in a good mood.

The most recent on my palette is two things.
1.) newer information that should not bother me about my former but of course it does
2.) The fond farewell to a friend.

On the first:
Why bother explaining it, all I know is when it’s hard to believe anything about my past
or people in it anymore I know it’s a good time to just forget about it. Fuck whatever
happened because apparently it did not matter enough, it made me where I am but I need
to get past it and continue forth.

On the latter and certainly more important:
I have sparse friends up here, still the ones I do have I consider myself close to for the most, now a good friend is leaving this city and off to pursue his elsewhere. Yesterday was our goodbye and event though him and I do not spend as much time together, it will still be a bit harder facing this city knowing he will not be around the corner anymore.

Seems like all I say is goodbye lately, is that wrong? Or is that right? Just is suppose.

This one is for him, Justin I will miss you and this is not goodbye, the internet will prove its use again for now… Good luck man, I mean that.

Aside and earlier on the politics things… lately I am just for the most fed up, every source is a bad source, every bit of news is either bad news or entertainment sling shot bullshit, I am tired of it now every morning I turn on sports center… forget cnn.

Still on a hunt for a new place, might be getting ink soon enough, 30 dollars to last me through this week, it’s been done before.

My chest has been hurting a bit lately, I drink to much as well I believe... My head has been fazing in and out pain full strikes or weary cloudiness either too much coffee or not enough... who am I kidding I know it well. One answer I can know and not back up. Also I shaved my head again... that hair was more weight... more stress.... NO apartments lining up either, nothing really is working but I don't really mind so much at all.

I swear sometimes I just might be on the edge of bipolar, some how I find a way to muck it all up, something goes wrong or nothing happens at all and of course it sets my head one fire.... I've not had this problem too recently, but it is on my list.

Then again who can blame me, my situation isn't at all clean and it certainly is not what you would consider favorable.

It is hard to really confront yourself, to face yourself and realize the beast you slightly have become or at least think you have become... its just a mind can become a bit gone I guess, right...? And then I trap myself in the questions, am I really angry at her or myself? For not being the right kind of friend?

I do not blame myself, I put too much guilt on myself in the begining but maybe I was never really sorry, sure I was sorry I did not have her or she didn't love me but was I sorry for myself but not for getting better, not for hurting her. I kept being rotten to her about us or kept bringing her down by making her feel bad about us.

And I was a good person and a good boyfriend I adored her with all my heart, but I let other things get in the way, I know I can Be that person again but obviously it will not happen with her and I've grown to accept that finally and I actually am happy for it, welcome the change.

Sides I was not a great boyfriend I suppose I didn't really trust her fully I mean I did, I thought I did.. I loved her but I wasn't honest with my self and I did snoop, it was wrong and I was not accepting, but I'm learning now I suppose fucking life always teaching you a lesson.
Fuck I was a mess, A god damn joke..
everything just works and I should have just chilled out sooner but these things were important she never understood completely I think, or at least I assume and I know they were important to her but maybe not enough for me, maybe i just expected too much... i really am better off alone and in that situation she was right goddamn her I needed to get out of my head to realize it.
Get out of my head? And where do I go
I wont just find some fuck or something to keep me happy, that ain't me... that ain't love... But I got myself now, some fucking grip on what I was.
I'm happy when I'm right with the world and for the longest I was not.

No more tears kid, no more complaining it never helped and it never will.. never ever again over her or that, a promise to myself just the few and sterile good times and the lies we tell ourselves to get by.

9 more people died for oil today, focus.

Subscript: No answers just more questions

Let's face it,

If you expected me to make some rampaging roaring comeback, I am no Beatrix kiddo and this certainly is not kill bill, it will not happen the way any one wants it. Let's get the facts straight.... cleanse the palette... (Enter something else cliché here)

I gave up on this form of expression for a while, hell I am still not ready to commit more time to it, its not that I don't have the time its that I don't want to spend it...MY thoughts are down in emails and obsessive text messages, moleskin slowly filling with bursts of jealousy and hurt pride.

What has happened? fuck if I am the wiser... it was slowly dwindling for a while, touch and go, useless tears and words that shouldn't matter,, a part of me was lost in this transportation to the city, the breaking of my heart as well, the inevitable madness that ensued on my end, jealousy, madness, no fun, and overall a bother to myself and others, a part lost and perhaps a part found. Time to survive.

What type of person have I become, what type has she...

We have changed folks, no secrets here,

I and mine broke up along time ago and yours is still stuck consumed in the twisted realization that it is over. Another is something more to her now and i am just the guy who will still be hopeless and in love, but these feelings will change, i will change... eventually.

I have not moved on, hell my memories still burn fresh Michigan summer and that sort... But it led to the questions on questions... What happened to the individual, what happened to fun, I still enjoy myself I still have a fine affinity for this goddamn rotting earth (see), but. I loved with all I had and now have left damaged and destroyed...never defeated.

Still we have our own fates, and though the cosmos lined up, are worlds are separate now, i can only with all that is left of my heart hope the best for her, she deserves it for putting up with a nut like me... and fuck if she isn't right again, i need to just relax, return to myself, the person i used to be able to tolerate.

What's next?

There is never an answer at least not an easy one, and that would not be my style to provide em' I'm on my path, to something, anything? Who knows who cares...? I am alive and I have air in my lungs.

A 9-5 will not be my demise, distance is alright by me, no fuck happening in the next room will hinder these thoughts, my blood flows and I am alive, fuck that's worth something... worth a shot.

I will say this, I love this city still... being able to just go out into it and know that i can spend till 6 in the morning just walking and loving it, it still inspires something... something i realized coming off a train at 11pm tonight or so listening to Ziggy stardust, that is empowerment.

I do not regret my past, but more and more I am realizing that recently it was a bit of the blurred bullshit and all, and I really should have kept a steadier mind, a stronger heart, some remnants of a boy scout motto. What was I thinking... love is for suckers, let's get real, let's get cynical...Let's drink and live.

Ahh the heart of a true American.

Put on some records, relax...
This wont hurt a bit.


Mahalo

Edit:
FUck and here I am forgetting to mention, a glass raised to two, one my dear friend Mr. Lefort my young master and inspiration, happy another year yu exist my friend.

and of course to the late Mr. Vonnegut, you were truly mad and we loved you very much for it... If you have done one thing in this world it is inspire us and made us take this world a little less seriously, at the very least me.
thanks Kurt God bless.

Strand


I went to pull a piece of paper form my pocket

But something stayed attached, not letting go


In subway lights I saw it, brilliant and just then

The memories flooded, A hair! My God its' you!


But this hair was different, it was not yours,

Not your color, texture, weight, nothing.


I began to despise the weed planted there

What was it doing? It did not belong, nothing did.


I t was meant for somebody else

To be a part of someone else's glove and life


The intruder, whose? But id didn't matter

It wasn't yours, but still my thoughts lingered


I became pale, and slowly haunted by imagination.

What if? I gasped


Yours was somewhere else, clinging to another?

Another glove, another pocket.


It did not matter a he, or she, it was mine,

Or at least I felt it might still belong with me.


Happiness to despair, sanction to curse,

Excitement to abhorring. A moment on a strand.

There are few things I think are legitimately worth fighting for,

For example:
This country, if it wasn’t a shell of its former and was not the corrupt stream of bullshit slingers on both sides, perhaps I would be willing to fight for the justice not for the glory, war for glory is bullshit as well. But the idea that the founders gave… I might not be on the front line wielding an axe, however I would be more willing to support a battle of actual purpose

Or my faith, while I would not go around bombing bus stations in the name my faith, if it was tested and ultimately I was told to denounce my faith I would not. I have conviction in that, but in the literal sense I would not raise a fist to protect it, an eye for an eye leaves the world blind… and nobody is wrong about there beliefs just those who believe everyone else is wrong.

However recently I have realized two things worth fighting for and they are as follows:

1.) Being dreams, do not let a dream die folks if you let your dreams get overtaken by the mundane bullshit, by hopeless efforts, by fear, by this world then you have already lost... you have one goddamn chance to dos something with this blessing for Christ’s sakes do something. Now I have realized I was simply bullshitting myself with political science majors or journalism. I still want to go back to school... for what? nothing really just enough to get a degree and enjoy some simple class loads, some music, some art, some philosophy. I think I realized what my true dream is and has been for as long as I’ve been around to know it. Those who know me well enough should be able to figure it out. If you are sitting there questioning it, then you don’t know.

Second and more importantly is love
I have always been the hopeful advocate, the hopeless romantic, the idealist for something I had never truly tasted so well. But one girl one single person was able to capture all I’ve ever envisioned, someone who makes me smile at the thought, cry in departure, and love completely at any time even in anger.

Love is worth fighting for, and I will not give up on my current. In case you hadn’t guessed we have split. Such is life and we need this time to reflect and find ourselves... well I have found my hope it’s my life and her. she inspires each day in her own way, I do not revolve or live for her, however her existence is the blessing I am well aware of and cannot give up on and will fight in all sense of the word for.

I cannot deny the love in my soul for her, it would be like denying myself, my existence.... It is worth it I truly believe to not give up, because I can only see my past and imagine my future with her, taking her anywhere she wants to go, sharing more and more of myself piece by piece even if it means revealing a bit more of my darkness to her.

So school? Who knows... eventually all in good time
Dreams? They don’t die so I won’t let em sleep, I am now beginning to see this is piece after piece forming.
Love, the blessing I count over and over and over... she means enough to me to keep the hope alive in us. I wont abandon 9 months of bliss for a life without her.

I won’t bother apologizing for my absence

I don’t need to own up to anyone

I have been uninspired, well that’s the wrong fucking way to put it, makes me sound indolent, I have had a lot on my plate personally and not enough time to pay attention to the crumbling existence of our “democracy”…

Well here I am, and I don’t have anything to say about it still… The whole worlds a stage that’s all I will say.

I don’t know what I want anymore, who I am; things I thought I knew were in my control weren’t… I feel a slight bipolar in my obsession with being self centered, one second I am happy as the pig in shit, Christmas shopping made me satisfied strangely, having money to buy nice things feels right which is sad… I’ve been playing guitar and drinking wine to cover any depression and allow my self to feel alive however…

Some part of me is dead, asleep, and something is not existing in the realm of this one…

Maybe it ahs something to do with my other half attached to the women I love who for her part is amazing, but in all honesty I think is done with me…

Maybe I am just creating scenarios in my head, answers to questions I don’t want to deal with because I am either too bitter or afraid. And the voices I begin to hear are just the ones I should ignore and believe her when she says she loves me, but there is too much I feel like I am not being told. I feel constantly in the dark but I am too in love with her. Fuck times are strange.

Aside I am still one second sure of my world, the next who knows.

I feel more and more alone, I feel like a rock like I am building myself into some shell a bit void of emotion, full with beauty and anger, and twisted stupid imagination, rebellion…but a rock the same, it is much like the Simon and Garfukel song in this shell of mine….

I just want to do something right, but I am just stuck, this existence does not make sense…. Why do people have so much faith in me? See so much potential… I feel like there is nothing there, they are just seeing shadows of something that was never there to begin with.

Anon, that is how the story goes from here… I cannot stop trying to put my heart in each day, to keeping optimism and faith in a shape shifting flux, in the love that has been pushed into my heart, still the flame burns low and sad, constant wind changes and there ain’t much to show.

I love too much maybe that has always been my curse, but for the sake of it all it feels sometimes a bit in vain…

Being this emotional and sensitive is useless, its more a curse these days and I don’t really deserve much for my behavior to boot.

Err Fuck even now I must come off as a god damn undermined dolt, stop fucking about and reading this

it’s a bit pathetic and I don’t need anyone feeling empathy for me, I’m not some under privileged kid with some real emotional problems, I am just stupid and trapped in these ridiculous thoughts

Well Christmas is soon, I don’t feel the spirit I don’t hear the bells… I am bitter and ignorant.

Still there is hope, I find that in each weak moment God if I don’t cherish it.

Y know you don’t have to follow Christ, you don’t got to forget your rags your riches and commit it all to him, but there is something in all of his word, I wish more people would just get to the truth in things, its not about the hope, or anything else, its about the word.

Those words in all my misery and self inflicted woe, a little weed grows and that weed bares a flower and all that is worth it…at least for now

Alright get out and do something nice for someone shed the god damn spirit and stop jerking off in front of this goddamn machine you robot.

I’m on your side

Right the shit finally got off the handle for the republicans…eh just as well, its time for some change in this country; Let us just hope the democrats can hold there own back in power…

I doubt it will last however, the house that is, 2 years the conservatives pretending to be liberal will get sick of it and go back to their side of the fence and the Democrats will loose organizational and drive…. That is just my prediction I am no Rasputin I have been very wrong before.

Let’s get to the fat frying the pan,

Yes Rumsfeld has resigned…apparently finally succeeding after more then one attempt… Interesting certainly.

So maybe the bruised ego of the Republican Party was the straw on the camels back… but a “fresh perspective” remains to be an understatement.

You know that the shit has hit the fan when the biggest rat who built the ship is deserting it as well… It does not speak well for the republicans and it certainly puts Bush in a more awkward orgy of confusion and fucking about.

Whether Don was willing to resign before or after the elections matters not, I celebrate the same… fuck its one step in the right direction and combined with the Democrats back at the helm, or at least part of it, gives a glimmer of some hope….

Shit I do not like to support one parties politics over but it is clear the republicans have screwed things up too far at this point I feel slightly sorry for those who still wish to support them, but that is there struggle this is mine…

Screw both parties politics I just want a corrected system of things, if that means liberals at the top so be it. Maybe it will bring balance maybe it will bring indecision and more off the same bullshit…

Still…we are all doomed that is certain, the jig may be up but who knows what madness will fall on our plate after a week a day a second from now… its raining…maybe it’s the flood….

Time to to celebrate one for the progression of one giant slain, and time to drink up for tomorrows new adversary.

Justice for the doomed…


For now.

My God this is wonderful. Just because it rains doesnt mean it cant shine.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6130296.stm

More later.

I would not call the recent verdict a travesty but of course I am not very amazed at the outcome of the recent Saddam verdict.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061105/ap_on_re_mi_ea/saddam_verdict

Well understood that justice needs to be brought to the torturous leader, however I can’t help but to feel the US has a strong pull behind all of this like always, and a hanging? I did not know we even practiced that shit anymore, maybe Clint Eastwood will ride by and shoot the noose rope and free Saddam in a blaze of glory and confusion.

The former dictator, the former intelligence and half brother, and the fire from down under head of revolutionary court were all to hang by the same rope.

Some others were just sent to prison for 15 years for murder and torture???

Maybe I missed the boat, but that seems a bit fucking odd…. Murder and torture is usually punishable by a bit more then that but ah well…

So no lethal injections, it will be torturous and slow…. Well Saddam will appeal and probably still get the same, a rope to his neck, why they don’t let the bastard rot in a cell is beyond me….

That would seem like the best justice, live without luxury, in a ass pound facility, special custody of course where everyday at around 3 pm he gets his bunkmates sweaty member right up his ass during a shower break.

As well it was requested by Mr. Hussein’s lawyer that the followers of Saddam’s regime should not strike up against the US for this.. Surprisingly I thought, but still I am sure they will if they were that serious about the former…

Now I am on the side here of seeing this man brought to justice, but I did not know that hanging a man was still considered justice… torture the son of a bitch electrodes, car batteries…whatever and have him rot in a sell make sure he stays alive to watch his life fall away from his finger tips in solitary confinement with padded walls so there are no “accidents”

Better yet we throw him in a work camp, or amongst the bodies of the people his rule buried. Either way I think we should not ignore all possibilities is all.

So that is it, Pissed things seem to be running Republican... I am not rooting for democrats, thats too easy... I am for change here, and fuck I hope I wake up tomorrow and something happens. We need the balance...

Fuck if I am back and drunk later, you'll know why.

Today is dismal…at best and at least until tonight is a concert in the city….

Shit down right unsettling for me… my ipod inevitably after a year shit the bed ;(am I the only one who uses this expression, I don’t think so…)
stopped working deleted all my earned catalogue.

Damned it is all of my fault of course, I did not back it up… I am a fool, but that is only because western digital fucked me over as well recently with there shit product…so now what is it?

There website (apple) reads that within the year I can refund it but every operator tells me differently…tell me mister jobbs, where does this make sense? This is wrong and stupid… I am now fucked out of my money for something I don’t want anymore, I must suffer going out, getting it replaced for 30 dollars just so I can possibly sell it on eBay and get less for it… bullshit,

I am finished I don’t need the continued stress, I don’t need to be plugged in, I will take 400 dollars and spend it on vinyl’s and be satisfied that is all… I do not want to tolerate this…

This is my fault I am well aware but I’d be damned if it isn’t unjust to promise one thing on a website and turn around and spin you some other way, there is too much politic in it all….

Goddamn
What is wrong with me?
Am I gone this far? Corrupt and fucked by the standard? I am not my things but it’s a controlling curse…

I feel out of the loop as is with newer music and in transit it helps to listen and digitally that is how I am up to date in some ways, I feel cursed and fucked with out the voodoo technology….

ON the other side of the axe it swings strongly, maybe I need this… Cut the addiction to digital, crumble in the past live and breathe the needle on my record player….
That in mind I will need a new turntable, shit if just that is good enough for men who made the past, why is it so hazardous to me? I am on vinyl’s we speak….

Then I realize the horror if my computer crashed again… that may be it… Trade in for a typewriter and live monk like and simple

No, Fuck that wont happen either I am too far gone I suppose.

Maybe I am my phone, my computer, my records cds tapes and digital bullshit.
I have fucked myself in to slow submission of it all. But disconnected if I was free I would be alone and isn’t that the ultimate fear…

What is worse is my response in all of it, this post, the level fo frustration, buying crap and the anxiety, stupidity, writing spoiling a day on one electronic, only to have it spoil another later…

This all while people starve go to war, children die… the apocalypse nears…

I could be in class being enlightened or on top of a mountain achieving Zen, instead I am stuck in a solid orgy of consumerism and doubt, fucked about changing trains, rotting my skull over “what the fuck was on this thing”
Nothing important, nothing is right in this….

I’m done here
Fuck you Steve Jobbs, and Bill Gates while I’m at it…

Folks,
This is a re-type of the original handwritten manuscript via train into the city.
It was killing time, nothing political and nothing diabolical here…not even much in the cynical realm… just the updates, ought to as well move on now it only gets less interesting I’m certain.

So
I have not even much to report except that as always my personal mantra of the unknown rules as ever. I have of course missed my deadlines to my education but au revoir…
Good riddance…

It’s a year Suppose, and I am not completely grounded in my own conviction, so uncertain...? sure
But I am unafraid…

As well I’ve got my soul in the next room, my guitar tuned, books to company any madness, and control of my imagination in the process of a new project.

So sure it will become another bullshit attempt where I start brilliantly and die out in apathy, but that is a bit of the jist of my story I am working on…
indifference, the bullshit, life is pain, deep cynicism rooted in the life of an unnamed, and finally the supernatural.

Don’t shut the page yet, you’ve come this far…

Yes,
Goddamnit I never set out on this task but it was given its chance in my thoughts which are all together brilliantly manifesting. It writes itself and while it is more dismal then my harmless cynicism I am sure it will warrant people to question me a bit. After all I am talking only a of zombie plot… that is a red lettered word.

Still this project will help to express many of the same ideas seen here….
Certainly it is all worth arty.

So that should be all for now, I’ve said it and I may not be around so much…but know I may very well be working on something a bit bigger…

If not? shit you’ll know I’m sure when I spinelessly confess in the middle of a George w. bush rant….

Ahhh and one final thought, this as my only soap box of self expressionism, I wanted to make acknowledgment to my lingering missing of my friend and peer mr. lefort….

ShiFu, I miss you as well sir, you were an inspiration and our conversations were much valued and still are, I miss you, I have said what I have said in my response to your blog… this is our freedom, lets see where it takes us.

FIN

Sat down to start something and there isn’t any pour, hold on let me flip on player…

Right much better some highway 61 revisited ought to do the trick then…
So this is a bit of a reflection on things and such as is much of the dribble I process to the screen…

First I think I am more and more formalizing my idea on going to North Eastern, figure a major in political science and of course some form of a minor in journalism or at least taking courses with journalistic ambition whatever the hell that is.

That is just a bit of news to wet the pallet and all, although tomorrow the sun will rise and assuredly I will alter my wits and doubt myself and want to become some beat writer in seclusion, then the next day bob Dylan, and the next just in love with the one who continues to recapture my heart. Who knows I don’t …but I think there for I am not Descartes, right?

So aside I wanted to make this prattle about psychosis, not the general terror in the eyes of the (might as well be criminally) barmy men who rule our governments and poison our wells in their filth, I wanted to talk about the quixotic fictional madness, that of Don Quixote and the loyal droll servant Sancho of Panza.

SO for anyone who hasn’t read This book, it is too much to try rehash in any sort of form without tailing on and on and falling off track each time to some other story, or plot which bleeds from the main. So with that I will state my feelings on the ending… and if you don’t want the spoiler then fine.

So this of course in the end was an expected tragedy but not the tragedy I expected

In this book you learn to relish and love the madness of Mr. Quixote and his lust for his fair lady of his imagination and his adventures as Cervantes even observes in his narration and characters. However Quixote’s’ lunacy becomes that of heroics and honor and through his delusion blossoms the wisdom of sweet peace and valor, that we all like to think any honest person should have. Still side form his pursuit of justice he is plagues by people who do not find his madness entertaining…

I never read this book as something to be entertained in the process of a laugh but more for the insight that is brought in the sieve and collects in my brain in the wisdom of war and chivalry and perhaps that is my first mistake, aside and along the way there is the humor, but it is cast aside by all the wonder and magic still in a story of fiction realistically written.

As the end nears he is made to return to his village from loosing a challenge of one of his unwell wishers, whose intentions were to cure his madness but not to cure his heart and do what is best for the knight of lions. In Don’s depression and the malign consequence befallen on him he is brought to his death. In one chapter, after 1000 some odd pages of story, and fascination, after a summer of on and off reading he give sup his life and his madness. I will not call it a cure to his mental illness because he loosing his madness is the only disease I read on the page. In a abrupt page or so, the knight of much abhors knight errantry his previous profession.

I am getting a bit off here the cracks and pops bring flow but I cannot help but concentrate on the album which I am quite keen on. Sword shallower…. Aside…and anon…

Yes so suddenly all of the magic, the mystery the questioning is brought to a sudden end uneventful halt as if a man who had so much pride in his character who helped him (Cervantes) while being in a fit of madness prove a conclusion to issues around, is now dropped not only in death, but succumbs to normality and conforms to reality. How depressing…. This book had so much potential as far as I am certain… I am in love with most of this story while some of the second part brought more questions and was a bit more outlandish at the cruelty of some, it seemed Cervantes by this end never had any allegiance to his character, himself, or his readers… kill off the hero sure, it happens I can except that and while it is poorly written and sudden I am able to forgive and forget, but Do not go gentle!

RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT. His deaths should of followed his truest heart, of insanity or not, his heart was of the fondest in his unrelenting insanity but true devotion to a cause, and suddenly it is all for nix as it is brought down by his coming to terms with death and reality. For shame, if there is anything I have learned it is that Don Quixote did not fear death not because of his illness but because of his courage, and suddenly he is brought to the shell of his former and is, and perhaps this ending would be more excepted amongst my intestines if it was well written or explained but it is not. Cervantes, you dropped the ball I am left to believe. I am having hard times in swallowing it all, it is as though somebody else wrote the rest of this book, and Cervantes last efforts of writing is comparable to the cowardly end of Don Quixote.

I forgive giving up on a story or loosing interest in your own work, God knows I do most of that as I am an incomplete jack of not many trades, but for a reader who takes his time to follow the story with much compassion and expectation, it is certainly a kick in the teeth. So that says it, I am disappointed and miss the story and sad satisfaction of a better ending, oh well, as Quixote says "I am in my right mind, now, clear-headed and free of the murky darkness of ignorance, brought upon me by my continual, bitter reading of those abominable books of chivalry” I suppose I can only say "It seems to me utterly clear either that (I)do not really know (Him), or (he does) not really know (me)."

Vale.

I first off will apologize for the lack luster lately,

I have pulled what I have come to know as "New York Post"... While there are plenty of terrors in this world, things unsay able, dictators (presidents) running rampant, senators conversing sexually with 16 yr old boys(Foley)
But I have ignored the truth and spewed out shit which has no relevance to what could be considered news, or even addressing news, I am a boring subject matter, excuse me, lets move on.

Not a lot of time and of course a whole pile of shit....

First, on behalf of the Foley "scandal" addressed earlier, Dennis Hastert, move on, stop bullocksing about, and be a man, you can make any promise, but you cant control the ill-willed fetishes of colleagues,
Looks like the republican stopped blaming the democrats and pinned you as the donkey, so take a seat, and lets move on.
The Foley thing is a crime, it is terrible and as most things in politics, laughable, so shit lets forget about it, pass out the peace pipe, he fucked up, he’s gone lets move on, this is not time to put our attentions on one thing , we have many piles of shit.

I don’t want to draw away from the seriousness in this matter, I am merely sick of the coverage, this is not entertainment tonight, its cnn, how about the rest of the world?

SO what to do next, hunt for sport? Okay midterm elections are on the way, ripe with the foolishness of democrats and republican alike, they are all politicians and all on the chopping block, and the media has the axe of course.
November 7th, will; I tell anyone to vote? No, fuck no truth be told I don’t, I should I feel strongly but for me a vote for the one you kind of like, or anything concerning a popularity contest or for that matter a lack of popularity contest, does not concern my attention, unless I feel the need I will not, and I am too new to Massachusetts politics to tell one from another, still…. I could absentee ballot it, but fuck it too much work for not much care…. I don’t think necessarily, voting does not count I simply believe as of late it has become shit and a mockery just as everything else, the order is chaos which is the new order, notice?

Clinton, let us see? Hilary, we don’t have to mention of much of a terrible politician you would make in office, you’ve got balls, but your too far one way, too far gone, and lets face it a bit too insane, insanity is a good thing but not the moody pms left wing asshole for this race…
Bill? I like the new side, its vicious, I think that’s what the democrats need, sure you have been president already, but that doesn’t meant you still cant be a figurehead…do I think you’re the messiah? No of course not as some democrats follow you seem to, but I think its good somebody got some balls, and it wasn’t your wife….

So Starbucks triple stocks, the mom and pop stores go away, spinach is unsafe, and the world is a mess of its former self, we have some things to look forward too, like probably a nuclear holocaust, or global warming, o hope or our kids, or plastics destroying us all…. But this is us, human, American, the beautifully fucked.

Contend.

I felt like I had to get something down
This space has been lingering too long and I thought that perhaps I would be more on top of this, perhaps I have been busy? More then likely, idle, and off and on about some other project, which is in fact partially true.

So what to talk about then in much verbosity and in great mangling grammar?

Well this weekend I got to go back to the place of my birth since I had ventured out to the city. So the fair was really the stage for this trip back home, but admittedly so I was happy to see all whom I had left behind, and it is a beautiful stream that flows from me to them and on for them and on for me , our time is the parallel and it makes me happy to see that life just goes on, I would be disappointed if time stood still.

Don’t get me wrong here in this speech folks, I am not saying time stops and starts for me, although sometimes we all act like that don’t we? But no it is refreshing to see any progress, to feel like you dually apart of them and yourself, the chaos and disorder that smoothes over into order and the beauty.

But again I am here, in front of a computer…

Bored? Sure as shit… I’m sure I will speak too soon and out of place, but that would be the theme of my existence the guess at what s next… well I will probably subject myself to more schooling, which is not torture for my inoperative mind , but it brings me down a but still heading into the unknown without hope of direction.
I plant my feet on the bridge I have built thus far and see the ashes behind me, I realize I am just on a plank in the middle of this ocean. I have run out of materials at this point but I am so eager to continue, and god help me…

Fuck what am I talking about.
I am sorry its some pathetic attempt to make things seem poetically just, truth is I am bored and uninspired, I am humble to this world but there is till an absence, a gap, sand missing in the cracks, but what is it? I am not saddened or angry, or departed, just alone in this gap, tired of nothing gasping for something.

I am in love, and she brings hope there, but I cannot depend on her for my life, and I don’t, I can get on without her, but I feel disconnected sometimes without her around me, but that is too much to ask of her, and of me… I need to connect again, to my own path, that is why I and her are where we are, and why she needs hers and I need mine….

So, I might as well wrap this up, it goes nowhere from here, and it never really started anyways, so perchance something may come, probably not.

This is a quick comment I had to make.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/americas/09/20/chavez.un/index.html

While crossing himself
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez:
"The devil came here yesterday,And it smells of sulfur still today."

Now fuck CNN for calling him antiamerican, he is not.... just aniot bush. I think what he said is honest hilarious, and makes me proud somebody finally decided to step up to the potium and say something.

Sure it wasnt the most intellegent thing to be said, but I think it works.
"As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world. An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: 'The Devil's Recipe.''"

And he's right agian after he attacked the UN.

That's right the UN is over, If you think otherwise, I would not place a dime on that bet friend.

We went beyond the UN and so can anyone else... it is a pointless obsticle, much like modern America, once stood for good ideals, but now not even a shadow of its former.

Thats all.

I guess my mental stability could be a bit out of check lately, things have not sat right and I couldn’t tell a soul myself included why..

Things have been blessings over and over, and all my selfish ways clouded things a bit, I need to remember this is my task, this is where I put myself I bought this ticket way back and things are well now. Not that I wasn’t happy with this change, but the little things adapt to getting under your skin.

I am starting training for my new job tomorrow same stock, change of scenery, I guess that’s a bit more then just my job, that’s me, my things, this soul.

But I’m happy,
The apartment remains wonderful although in a bit of a reek from bad trash, still the status will leave eventually and our happy place on the hill will return to it’s former.

More on that:
Roommates are swell, one I have not seen as much but we get along as far as I know on my end, I don’t mind just hanging out on the couch watching the screen with her, and the other whom I bit my tongue about before well shit I guess I didn’t have much to bite my tongue about.
I really don’t know what it is that I meant to say, I think I was more put off by the fact that she didn’t seem to want to share interactions with us I guess. She ‘s a sweet girl but she seemed to keep to herself a bit but I feel like we are all coming together a bit more in this place. I really am in awe of how well this situation has come out for the most part…

The other part well, things with our love remain stable and controlled, we know our business, and I’ll leave it out of here, but God help me if each second does not drive me crazy that I cannot kiss her, but all more for the sport I guess, distance making the heart grow fonder, I couldn’t love her anymore then I do but I sure as hell could miss her scent, or embrace in bed… but we are working ever working.

Back home the things seem ok in there irony of a balance, I have this deep guilt in my stomach there isn’t more I could do for my Mother and step father who while floating two mortgages, health problems, and potential lay offs are not in the best place, but on the other side of the pendulum my father and step mother seem on the up and up, her children ok, and my sister and grandmother are fine as I can tell considering the little things we all know too well that are known to bring people down.

So things are on the up and up, one thing would probably be my future, the constant out of balance wonder. OH great city give me some signs, I think about this question, but I’ll let the seasons claim my path I suppose, Journalism? Something I need to get enrolling soon but all in good time, first I need to figure it out, so that is it for that friends, a little better, just more the blessing, and back in the race… lets just get that madman out of office then I can retire.